Wow! Just, Wow!

Wow! I am one messed up and confused person. I can’t seem to finally make a decision on TTC. I have stopped (completely), so I guess that is a decision, of sorts, but I still sway back and forth like the leaves of a tree in the slightest breeze. I can’t take it any more.

Source

We have, theoretically, been TTC for just over 6 months now, but I am still on the fence. One minute, I dread even the idea of getting pregnant. I think that I am too old, that fact alone make me worry about birth defects, etc. etc. etc. But, then I am a seriously messed up person. I suffer for severe depression and the need to control everything. I swing from happy and carefree to praying for Jesus to take me home in just a matter of weeks sometimes. I feel misunderstood and not taken seriously. I feel lost in the crowd and even simply ignored at times. All of this has led to anxiety and depression in one of my children already. What on earth would it do to another?

One of my great friends just gave birth to her son not long ago and I enjoyed holding him. I enjoyed seeing her in the hospital and seeing this sleeping bundle of joy. But I left the hospital that day with still no craving for a baby. That worried me.

Then, about a month ago, my husband started telling me that I am pregnant. (Mind you, this was after me taking three negative pregnancy tests.) But he persisted... And, over the last few weeks, I started to warm to the idea of maybe a little one growing inside of me. Of bringing a new little bundle of joy home and getting to start all over (talk about feeling guilty after those thoughts!).

Yesterday, I finally broke down and went to store to purchase more pregnancy tests. In the time it to me to go to Wal-Mart, shop around a little, come home, and sit down on the toilet to take my fourth test in two months, I started menstruating. My first reaction was to laugh and laugh and laugh. Talk about ironic. But, today, I feel a little heart broken and disappointed.

But I don’t feel disappointed like I have in the past when I really really wanted to be pregnant. I feel disappointed that I have to keep struggling with my feelings of uncertainty. I honestly started wanting to be pregnant so that I can stop feeling so uncertain, the decision would be made. (That and a cute little bundle would be just adorable to have.)

Would it be terrible to have another baby? No. Would it be stressful? You betcha. Would it be scary? For sure. Would I feel guilt? Probably every day of that baby’s life. So, why do I continue to torture myself about it?